Somebody online made up this mock poster for the Royal Rumble consisting of nothing but dead wrestlers. One look at the lineup tells me that this would be a dandy...
So I did what any normal old school wrestling fan would do... I booked and wrote the whole thing. Hat tip to our boys over at Monday Night Flaw, particularly Andy Gaston and James Ryan, for the idea. Catch JR and myself over there every few weeks for our Time Limit Draw retro wrestling podcast. On to the main event of the evening.
Joey Marella, Pee Wee Anderson, and Mark Curtis are our officials on the floor. Gorilla Monsoon is on commentary. God Save the Queen! The British Bulldog draws #1. He hopes to fare better out of that slot than he did at the ’92 Rumble. Monster pop for #2, as Macho Man Randy Savage, with Miss Elizabeth by his side, will have to go the distance if he wants to win the Rumble. Davey Boy overpowers Macho early with some shoulderblocks, and works in the delayed vertical suplex. Gorilla press looks to eliminate, but Savage goes to the eyes to break and a high knee from behind knocks Bulldog over, but not to the floor. Davey Boy rolls back in as the horn sounds for #3 and it’s Bam Bam Bigelow! Headbutts for both guys as the Beast From The East tosses both guys around. Savage turns the tide with a running back elbow, but Davey Boy takes his head off with a clothesline – solidifying his position as a heel in this match – and he and Bam Bam go to dump Macho. But #4 makes the save as Kerry Von Erich hits the ring. They pair off with the Texas Tornado getting the better of the Bulldog, while Bam Bam works over Savage in the corner. Davey Boy ducks the discus punch, and an atomic drop sends Kerry over the top, but the Tornado hangs on. The ’89 champion, Big John Studd is #5. Equal opportunity asskicker, Studd lays everyone out and Savage eats the big boot choke in the corner. Bulldog and Bam Bam team up to tackle Studd, but a double clothesline stops that idea. Tornado charges and gets backdropped over, but again Kerry hangs on. Finally, Savage clips Studd’s knee to take the big man down and the other four guys put the boots to him… until the heels deck Savage and Von Erich with right hands to lay them out.
Buzzer sounds for #6 and it’s the self-proclaimed World’s Strongest Man, Dino Bravo. Dino smells blood and instantly helps Bam Bam go after Von Erich. Hoss beatdown in the corner and Dino throws Kerry THRU the ropes to the floor and celebrates like an idiot. He turns around and meets Studd’s boot to his face, and Studd tosses Bravo like a sack of potatoes over the top and to the floor for the first elimination at 9:27. Quick night for Dino. Savage finally gets the upper hand on the Bulldog and goes nuts on everyone, but a crossbody try on Studd results in a big fallaway slam, sending the Macho Man tumbling out between the bottom and middle ropes to the floor. Crash Holly is #7 and he kicks Savage on the floor before entering the ring. Crash eats a Discus Punch from the Tornado IMMEDIATELY, and Crash sells it like he’s been hit by a truck, tumbling back out to the floor thru the ropes. Bam Bam and Bulldog team up on Studd some more to no avail before Kerry drags Bulldog away, leaving Bam Bam and Studd for a showdown in the middle of the ring. Shoulderblocks get nothing, clotheslines get nothing, and Studd finally gets the upper hand on a test of strength before Bigelow kicks him in the nuts. But then Savage flies in out of nowhere with the double axehandle on Bam Bam and mounts him for right hands.
Buzzer sounds for #8 and Ludvig Borga rushes the ring and jumps the Macho Man. Kerry bulldogs the Bulldog but eats a spinebuster from Bam Bam. Crash crawls back up on the apron, but Borga tries to toss Savage, and Macho hits Crash on the way over, sending Crash flying into the barricade. Studd splashes Borga in the corner, but Bam Bam sneaks up from behind and dumps Studd over and out at 13:38! Bulldog goes after Savage and gets some help from Bam Bam, but #9 is “Gentleman” Chris Adams, who makes the save for Savage. Superkick for Bulldog. Superkick for Bam Bam. Superkick for Borga. Crash rolls back in… SUPERKICK FOR CRASH, sending him back to the floor. Staredown with Von Erich, and Adams tries the superkick again, but Kerry catches it applies the Iron Claw instead! A well placed kick to the groin breaks that up, however. Macho heads to the top and drills Borga with the Flying Elbow Drop, and his elimination is academic at 15:30. Crash sneaks in and jumps on Savage’s back for a sleeper, but Macho calmly flips him over his shoulders, and over the top rope to end Crash’s night at 15:48. Time for #10 and it’s Badstreet USA’s representation in the Rumble, Terry "Bam Bam" Gordy . To the surprise of nobody, Gordy goes right after Von Erich… but gets cut off by Bigelow before he can get there. It’s a showdown of the Bam Bam’s! Slugout ensues, with Gordy getting the upper hand. While Savage pounds on the Bulldog, Gordy stalks Von Erich and enlists the help of Adams to take out the Tornado. Gordy pulls out a roll of quarters, Adams holds Von Erich… and yep, Kerry moves and Gordy knocks Adams out cold! Discus punch for Gordy and Kerry tosses Adams’ carcass at 17:11. Before Kerry can do the same to Gordy, Bigelow wipes him out from behind. He goes for the elimination, but Gordy pulls him off, wanting to be the guy that dumps Von Erich. That breaks down into a shoving match and the Bam Bam’s go at it again, culminating in Kerry flying in with a crossbody from out of nowhere taking himself AND Gordy over the top and to the floor at 17:52, leaving the only first three participants in the ring until the horn sounds for #11…
G-R-A-B-T-H-E-M-C-A-K-E-S! Junkyard Dog enters the fray to a huge pop and he goes right after Bigelow, as JYD gets the better of a headbutt battle. Macho can’t quite get the Bulldog over, and JYD’s assistance doesn’t do the trick either. Bam Bam splashes both Savage and JYD in the corner to break up that sequence and Bigelow takes a breather as things slow down for #12 and it’s THE BIG BOSSMAN! Bossman goes to town on Bam Bam, then Bulldog, then Bam Bam some more. Bossman Slams for each guy, but SAVAGE jumps him, obviously not over being handcuffed to the ropes back at the 1988 Survivor Series and that whole Main Event tag team match. Macho loses his mind on Bossman, but the top rope double axehandle is counted by a Bossman uppercut, and Bossman and JYD clothesline Bulldog over the top, but Davey Boy slips back in. #13 is Test and he goes right after Bigelow, who’s now been in the ring for 20 minutes. Big boot for Savage, and he gets JYD with a pumphandle slam. Bossman and Test slug it out, but Savage decks both of them, resulting in Bulldog nailing Bossman with the running powerslam! Bigelow crotches Test on the turnbuckle, but the superplex is blocked as Test knocks Bam Bam to the mat… but the elbow drop misses. We get #14 and it’s Chris Candido and he is an equal opportunity offender, hitting everyone in his way, before piledriving Savage. Davey Boy kicks away at JYD in the corner and Bam Bam and Candido flash the Triple Threat sign and open up on the Bossman. Test and Savage trade shots before JYD fights back on the Bulldog, backdropping him over the top at the buzzer… and #15 is Owen Hart!
Owen runs to the ring and catches Davey Boy as he tumbles off the apron, saving him from elimination! JYD has no idea what’s happened, and the former tag team champions slide in from behind and dump an unsuspecting JYD to big boos at 26:21! Bossman battles back on Candido and Bam Bam, but gets blindsided by Test. This leaves a showdown in the middle of the ring between Owen and the Bulldog and Bam Bam and Candido and we have a tag team brawl! We see a couple of near eliminations before the horn sounds and the biggest heat of the night goes to Chris Benoit at #16. Benoit’s in to help his Canadian brethren and he puts the beats on Candido to bail out Owen before finding the Macho Man for some Canadian Violence. Chop city for Savage, and the Crippler spreads the wealth by giving Bossman and Test some chops, too. Owen and Bulldog can’t dump Bam Bam, and the Bossman finally slows down Benoit, getting him with the old “drape him on the middle rope, slide out, and uppercut the dude” spot. About 20 seconds before the buzzer’s set to go for #17, “Loose Cannon” Brian Pillman rushes the ring with a chair and we basically have Hart Foundation Lite here, as Pillman, Benoit, Owen, and the Bulldog beat down everybody with authority. Pillman wears out Bam Bam with the chair. Savage gets tossed thru the ropes to the floor, and Owen and Pillman go to the floor and plant him with a spike piledriver on the concrete! Pillman laughs in Savage’s face as paramedics come down to check on the Macho Man. Benoit makes Candido tap to the Crossface and Bulldog powerslams Test. Then it’s a 4 man beatdown on the Bossman as the horn finally sounds for #18…
And it’s YOKOZUNA! The Canadians shit their pants huddle to strategize as the big man waddles to the ring. Yokozuna steps in, stares down Benoit, Owen, and the Bulldog… then DESTROYS the Bossman with a running splash in the corner as the Canadians watch in confusion! Bonzai Drop for the Bossman and the elimination is academic at 32:58. Belly to belly suplex for Test and the Hulkbuster ’93 legdrop flattens him and Yokozuna dumps Test with ease at 33:35. Bam Bam staggers up and he and Yoko lock eyes, but that ends in a hurry as #19 is ANDRE THE GIANT! UH OH! Now the Canadians really lose their minds, and Bam Bam and Yoko call Andre in. Andre chops both of them back to the ropes and Bam Bam gets clotheslined out at 34:41! Andre and Yoko trade shots in the center of the ring, but the Hart Foundation strikes! Owen clips Andre’s knee, Benoit clips the other knee, and the four of them manage to get the Giant to the mat. Beatdown ensues, but Andre pops up and everyone goes flying. Bulldog eats a big boot and goes over the top to the floor, finally eliminating the first entrant at 35:30!! Pillman gets thrown over like a rag doll, but he somehow holds on. Before Andre can get his paws on Owen, Yokozuna attacks from behind, but eats a back elbow, and Andre SLAMS HIM! Benoit gets chopped down, Owen gets a head butt, and Andre tosses Yokozuna at 36:00! #20 is Dr. Death Steve Williams, and Andre throws Candido halfway up the aisle for another elimination, and Dr. Death is amused as he walks by. But, considering he’s gonna have to deal with what’s left of the Hart Foundation and Andre the Friggin Giant, it doesn’t look good. Andre sets his sights on Benoit and Pillman, and Williams jumps Owen and we’ve got a good little brawl here. And now the crowd starts to buzz, because Savage is finally up and gets back into the fray and it’s a 3 on 3 fight! Andre’s just slapping the Canadians down like they’re children. Dr. Death goes for the Stampede on Benoit, but Benoit slips off the back and sends Williams to the turnbuckle. Crossface gets blocked with a release German suplex. Pillman gets flipped off Andre’s back like nothing, but Owen hits Andre with the enziguri!! Owen and Pillman try to dump Andre, and Dr. Death goes to try to help. Now even Savage gets in on it. But Andre shoves them all off.
#21 is Road Warrior Hawk and Hawk rallies the guys to team up on Andre again and EVERYONE dumps Andre at 38:27! But Andre doesn’t go alone, as he drags out Dr. Death with him! But that leaves Hawk and Savage against the Hart Foundation, but Hawk kicks everyone’s ass. Modified Doomsday Device to Pillman with Macho coming off the top. Owen piledrives Hawk… who of course no sells it, but Benoit clocks Macho from behind. They finally beat down Hawk, but Savage runs in to even things up. #22 is Bad News Brown, who gladly helps out the heels, then turns on Owen for good measure. Bad News works over Savage in the corner and Hawk powers out of a crossface attempt, but gets clipped from behind by Pillman. Pillman tires to help Bad News with Savage, but Bad News is having none of it. #23 is Umaga! And things are settling back down as the Hart Foundation is sticking together with everyone else fending for themselves. Umaga and Hawk square off with some high impact offense. Headbutts go nowhere, shoulderblocks go to a stalemate, but Umaga takes him down with a throat punch! Owen and Benoit put the beats on Hawk, and Bad News stops by to help out, then kicks the crap out of Benoit. Pillman chokes out Savage, and both guys get splashed in the corner by Umaga! Things really get interesting at #24 with Mr. Perfect! Perfect SLOWLY makes walks to the ring, working in the towel throw and the gum swat on his way down, burning up almost the entire two minutes as he jaws with the fans. Hawk fights back on Owen, taking his head off with a clothesline, and Pillman gets backdropped over, but hangs on again. Umaga has some words for Bad News, and Bad News takes offense and they slug it out. GHETTO BLASTER on Umaga! Perfect sneaks in and goes to work on Savage as #25 is Ravishing Rick Rude!! The Robinsdale Connection enters back to back and they pound on Savage like he stole something. Two separate heel factions in here now, it doesn’t look good for the rest of the guys, and sure enough, while Hawk is having it out with Bad News, Hennig and Rude come from behind and dump him at 47:02. The Hart Foundation team up on Umaga as Bad News rolls out to regroup, and Rude gets the Rude Awakening on Savage. Macho blocks the elimination, however, by snapping Perfect’s throat off the top rope, with Henning oversells beautifully. Atomic drop for Rude and Savage gets the double axehandle. But then Bad News jumps Macho from behind.
#26 is Crush, and he rushes the ring and hits everything that moves! Down goes Owen! Down goes Pillman! Down goes Bad News! Benoit gets clobbered with a jumping shoulderblock! Clothesline for Umaga and he goes over and out at 48:45! Hennig and Owen team up on him from behind to slow that rally, but Savage gets back into the fight and it’s a donnybrook. But the Hart Foundation finally isolate Savage, while Rude and Hennig get Crush down with the help of Bad News and the heels take back over. Help might be on the way in #27, because it’s Earthquake. Quake gets the double noggin knocker on Owen and Benoit, then squashes Pillman in the corner, and Pillman falls thru the ropes to the floor. Bad News wants some, but gets beaten down and splashed for good measure, but Rude gets Quake from behind in the lower back. That doesn’t last long though, as Rude and Hennig miss a double clothesline and Quake takes both guys down. Crush gets Hennig in the head vice, which Perfect sells like death, but Bad News catches Crush with the GHETTO BLASTER and Benoit dumps Crush to the floor at 51:51. Who better than Kanyon to be #28? Kanyon gets his offense in on Savage and Owen, but Benoit mows him down with a clothesline and dragon suplex. Pillman back in to attack Kanyon, but Bad News kicks down Pillman from behind. Quake tries to fight off Perfect and Rude with no luck, but they can’t get him out. #29 is Mike Awesome and he throws down on everyone, and Perfect eats a nasty powerbomb. Owen tosses Savage, but Macho hangs on again. Benoit tries Awesome and gets leveled, but Bad News drills Awesome. In a nifty spot, Bad News picks up Hennig for an airplane spin, and Perfect’s legs knock down everyone, including Earthquake. Bad News with the Black Power salute after that one to a decent pop. Everyone gets a breather before #30… and it’s Eddie Guerrero who probably stole the number from someone else.
So, we’re left with 11 guys: Savage, Owen, Benoit, Pillman, Bad News, Perfect, Rude, Quake, Kanyon, Awesome, and Guerrero. Savage has been in the match for 56 minutes.
Eddie takes a survey of the landscape and sees old buddy Benoit across the way, but before anyone makes a move, Awesome jumps Eddie from behind and we’re off again. Macho finds another burst and goes after Owen and Benoit, while Kanyon fights Rude and Hennig. Bad News and Quake slug it out and Bad News gets the butt splash for his troubles. Quake tries to dump him, but gets blindsided by Pillman. Eddie fights off Awesome but gets cut off by Rude. Savage drags Owen around by the hair until Benoit chops him back down. Kanyon hits a Flatliner on Hennig, then a Death Valley Driver on Bad News, but gets dropkicked over the top rope by Eddie at 58:13. The Hart Foundation beats down Savage again, and Hennig and Rude go after Eddie, but Quake makes the save. Bad News and Awesome have it out and after a missed haymaker, Bad News backdrops over and to the floor at 58:50. We’re down to 9 men. Rude tries the Rude Awakening on Earthquake to laughable results, and Quake slams him dead center of the ring. Aftershocks signal the splash coming, Hennig has the chair from 30 minutes ago and blasts Quake in the face, and we’ve got a crimson mask! Eddie steals the chair away from Hennig, but tosses it to Bad News. Perfect wants his chair back, so Bad News swings, Perfect ducks… and it’s PILLMAN to takes the shot to the head, and Savage tosses the Loose Cannon at the 60:00 mark. The Macho Man’s been in there an hour. Bad News still stalks Perfect, but Owen rips the chair away and chucks it out and Benoit takes down Bad News from behind. Rude’s back in it and he and Savage throw hands and Rude gets tossed, but skins the cat back in and takes Macho down. Eddie and Owen pair off in a corner and Quake staggers back up and finds Hennig and goes to town on him. Bad News fights off Benoit but tries a pissed off Quake, and Earthquake takes Bad News to the floor at 62:10. But as Quake admires his work, Owen and Benoit sneak up from behind and dump him moments later at 62:17.
Now we’re down to Savage, Owen, Benoit, Perfect, Rude, and Eddie. Owen and Benoit go to work on Eddie, hitting a piledriver, a powerbomb, and a German suplex/spinning heel kick combo. Meanwhile, Hennig and Rude work over Savage on the other side. Owen pulls Eddie up and Benoit goes in for the kill (pun intended), but clotheslines OWEN over and out at 63:25 after nearly a 40 minute run!! Benoit can’t believe what he’s done, and Eddie finally gets his hands on him and beats the hell out of him, culminating in the frog splash. Eddie goes under the ropes, grabs the chair again, comes back in and WALLOPS Benoit for good measure and tosses him at 65:29!
Final Four: Savage, Perfect, Rude, Eddie. Eddie goes and bails out Savage and the good guys control the action for a bit, allowing Rude to show his ass to the crowd on a sunset flip spot with Guerrero. Inverted atomic drop for Rude, who gives us his dramatic selljob, and Savage busts open Perfect with a series of right hands. Rude fights back on Eddie by going to the eyes, but the Rude Awakening is reversed into the Gory Special, but Rude blocks that, and flips back over Eddie’s back and DOES hit the Rude Awakening in a neat spot. Rude tosses Guerrero, but Eddie lands on one foot and hops on the floor and manages to get back to the apron and comes back in with a missile dropkick on both Rude and Hennig. Savage and Eddie try to dump Rude to no avail and Perfect takes a big backdrop from Eddie. Savage sends Perfect over with a running clothesline, but Hennig barely hangs on. Eddie grabs Perfect’s arm for the springboard armdrag, but Rude crotches him on the top rope and Perfect shoves Eddie to the floor at 68:47!! So Savage, who’s been in there nearly 70 minutes, has to deal with Hennig and Rude who are relatively fresh. Heel beatdown ensues, but the Macho Man scraps back by cheating, specifically an eye gouge for Perfect and a low blow to Rude. Suplex is countered into the Perfectplex, though, but when Hennig tries to dump him, Savage blocks by grabbing the hair and pulling Perfect over and out to the floor by his flowing locks, but before Savage can even stand up, Rude pounces from behind and throws him over and to the floor to win the Rumble at 72:32!!
WINNER: RAVISHING RICK RUDE
Coming later this week... the 2nd Round of the Ultimate BCS Playoff!
Spoiler: You will get more takes from Mikey on the NWA U.S. Title scene from 1986 thru 1990 than you will on PAC-12 or Big Ten football.